Dear Sabrina...all the things that remind me of you.
from Abigail
Dear Brina,
If you were alive,
I would play with you and
Phia all day long.
And draw pictures with you
love,
Abigail
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
365 Photo Project :: day 298 december 16 :: Letters to Sabrina
Dear Sabrina...all the things that remind me of you.
baby book filled with cards
In the months we waited for you, I nested. We painted the attic walls and set up a space for you. Daddy put together the white crib and I bought new pink flower sheets. We filled your dresser drawers with tiny girl clothes. I loved washing and folding and remembering when Abigail was so small. I added warm winter snuggly pieces. We hung art on the walls and made a place to welcome you.
In our room, we set up a co-sleeper for those first few months. I packed hospital bags...one for me and one for you. I sewed burp cloths and blankets and waited for you.
After you died, we slowly put things away. There were some things that went quickly like your car-seat. It reminded me that you didn't come home from the hospital on Christmas morning. There were other things that were comforting and stayed with us for a while. And some that waited for another baby. I slept for months holding onto a little pink hat of yours.
I filled a yellow box they gave me at the hospital with your things: your beautiful lock of strawberry blond hair, your prints, pressed petals from the funeral, hospital tags.
When I saw your baby book, it made me so sad. The first few pages were full of the promises of a new life. The rest were empty reminders of all the firsts that would never happen.
So I began filling it with all of the cards given to us after you died. Your baby book is filled with words from Grandpa Ed and Auntie Anne, and family and friends from Idaho, Arizona, Montana, Washington, and Oregon. Your book is full of the people who loved you. The pages are no longer empty. Your baby book is filled with cards.
365 Photo Project :: day 297 december 15 :: Letters to Sabrina
Dear Sabrina...all the things that remind me of you.
dear friends from Bellingham
We were new to Portland that year. We arrived in January with the grey rainy winter days. Then spring brought the most lovely white and pink blossoms and news of you.
What a surprise, a beautiful sweet surprise. We were just a few months away from trying for you and there you were. I was giddy with the news and gave your Daddy a secret smile on Mother's Day.
Our first year in Portland was lonely, and that loneliness grew when you left, each year a little more.
There were so many things I didn't want to think about after you were gone and decisions to make. Decisions I never thought I would have to make, like how to say good-bye.
We decided on a simple graveside ceremony with a few dear friends and family. We invited our community from Bellingham and they said yes...yes they would be with us to say good-bye. With joy they welcomed Abigail and Ethan into the world and with tears they would see you depart.
What a surprise, a beautiful sweet surprise. We were just a few months away from trying for you and there you were. I was giddy with the news and gave your Daddy a secret smile on Mother's Day.
Our first year in Portland was lonely, and that loneliness grew when you left, each year a little more.
There were so many things I didn't want to think about after you were gone and decisions to make. Decisions I never thought I would have to make, like how to say good-bye.
We decided on a simple graveside ceremony with a few dear friends and family. We invited our community from Bellingham and they said yes...yes they would be with us to say good-bye. With joy they welcomed Abigail and Ethan into the world and with tears they would see you depart.
Knowing we would be surrounded by friends gave us strength. A strength I did not have on my own. And then flooding waters covered the highways between Bellingham and Portland and I felt as though I were drowning. Our hearts dropped and we cried out, "God, how can we face this alone. Please make a way."
Our hearts hurt. There was nothing we could do but pray and trust God. Trust him in all things, even in saying goodbye.
The morning of the memorial I awoke with a strength that was not my own. I read and cuddled with Abigail and Ethan. My sister arranged flowers and Abraham announced that the roads were clear and friends were coming. Smiles spread across our faces even though our hearts felt such sadness. We would not be alone. "Praise God!"
Our hearts hurt. There was nothing we could do but pray and trust God. Trust him in all things, even in saying goodbye.
The morning of the memorial I awoke with a strength that was not my own. I read and cuddled with Abigail and Ethan. My sister arranged flowers and Abraham announced that the roads were clear and friends were coming. Smiles spread across our faces even though our hearts felt such sadness. We would not be alone. "Praise God!"
I will never forget the love they showered on our family that day. Every hug touched my heart. Later I would read their cards and the loneliness wouldn't hurt quite as much.
We laid you to rest at Lone Fir Cemetery on Saturday, January 10th at 2 in the afternoon. When I think of our friends from Bellingham, I remember you and saying goodbye.
We laid you to rest at Lone Fir Cemetery on Saturday, January 10th at 2 in the afternoon. When I think of our friends from Bellingham, I remember you and saying goodbye.
Friday, December 14, 2012
365 Photo Project :: day 296 december 14
Charlotte's Five Month Photos ::
You have really grown up this month! You are so close to sitting up. You love to talk to everyone around you and we think your first word is coming soon and may just be "Abigail". Your voice is so soft and sweet and I hope it stays that way forever. You have a great laugh and are already a giggly girl. You still wake up three times a night, but I love our time snuggling together.
Happy first Christmas Charlotte Grace Beatrice!
You have really grown up this month! You are so close to sitting up. You love to talk to everyone around you and we think your first word is coming soon and may just be "Abigail". Your voice is so soft and sweet and I hope it stays that way forever. You have a great laugh and are already a giggly girl. You still wake up three times a night, but I love our time snuggling together.
Happy first Christmas Charlotte Grace Beatrice!
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| photo of the day: Charlotte five months old |
december 14 :: Letters to Sabrina
Dear Sabrina...all the things that remind me of you.
winters snow
Portland was snowed in the day you arrived. When it snows your dad and I meet eye to eye with glistening tears. We will always think of you when the first snow falls. The night we found out we were having another baby, your sister Charlotte, the snow fell and you were with us.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
365 Photo Project :: day 295 december 13 :: Letters to Sabrina
Dear Sabrina...all the things that remind me of you.
the letter S
My Sabrina, every time I see the letter S, I think of you, and now Sophia too. One letter holds both the loss and hope of life.
When I was pregnant with you, Ethan really hoped you would be a boy and Abbey hoped for a girl. At the hospital, when he saw you, the first thing he said to me was, "Mommy, I didn't want a dead-baby girl! I wanted a dead-baby BOY!" Only when the reality of your death and the loss of a sister settled, his resolve changed.
With my new pregnancy he wished for a girl with all of his little three year old heart. When we found out that I was indeed having a girl, we were all overjoyed. Ethan was thrilled...he said, "Mommy, it's Sabrina!" He thought that you had come to us again. It was hard to explain to him that you would never come to us, but that one day we would see you again in heaven.
Having a girl for us it made the pain a little less. Our new baby would never replace you, but she would bring some healing to our broken hearts, and oh so much joy.
When I was pregnant with you, Ethan really hoped you would be a boy and Abbey hoped for a girl. At the hospital, when he saw you, the first thing he said to me was, "Mommy, I didn't want a dead-baby girl! I wanted a dead-baby BOY!" Only when the reality of your death and the loss of a sister settled, his resolve changed.
With my new pregnancy he wished for a girl with all of his little three year old heart. When we found out that I was indeed having a girl, we were all overjoyed. Ethan was thrilled...he said, "Mommy, it's Sabrina!" He thought that you had come to us again. It was hard to explain to him that you would never come to us, but that one day we would see you again in heaven.
Having a girl for us it made the pain a little less. Our new baby would never replace you, but she would bring some healing to our broken hearts, and oh so much joy.
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